i go home innnnnn 7 days

sue rue

i got a personal trainer, right. yeah know, a dancer's work is never done. but anywho. i love her. sue rue is her name. right? i know. speaking of cool names there is a lady who works here at Lynn University whose name is "January Scott"..i can't help but love that name. it sort of just rolls of the tounge and leaves you lost in the beauty of sounds. whatever that means. you get it, it's a pretty name. well sue is fucking awesome. and i say that with the utmost enthusiasm. she kicks my ass. i hate working out because, well, quite frankly i'm lazy. just like my gluteus maximus. but she made me feel muscles i never knew i had in my ass before, if it even is my ass. well, this is an awkward blog so i'm gonna go.

busy, busy bee

yeah, so i havent slept for 48 hours. good job meatball. I've been trying to do all my work because well, lets face it, i haven't been the most studious person lately. as in the last three months. so, i've been working my butt off. and by working my butt off, i mean taking a lot of adderall and drinking a lot of coffee. do some work. zone out. have a panic attack. do some work. drink water. zone out. have a panic attack. so there ya go, there's my life.

holiday jams

i need to write a post, i guess. so, i'll write about christmas music. it's a rare thing to find a decent christmas song. although i have a weakness for the holiday jingles, lets not kid ourseleves by mistaking christmas music for GOOD music. Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is you", CLASSIC. hands down. but Sufjan Stevens' christmas album is a homerun. leave it to mr. stevens to come up with an awesomely, awesome christmas album. AN ENTIRE ALBUM of "All I want for Christmas is You's!" times a million. seriously, purchase this album.

November 27, 2006

PRI‧ VA‧ CY  [prahy-vuh-see] –noun

1. the state of being private; retirement or seclusion.
2. the state of being free from intrusion or disturbance in one's private life or affairs



Due to the fact Lynn University lacks this quality, I will no longer be writing in my blog.

tubby

it's times like this when i hate being a dancer. when i come home, try on an old pair of jeans that once fit to find that my excess fat is hanging over the waistline. i can't describe to those who don't experience what it's like to hate your body so much you'd give up your mortal existence to find peace from this. i can't describe how much it hurts to feel such an awful hatred at the person staring back at you in the mirror. an eating disorder or a body image disorder is such a selfish disease that you can't control. i don't know if it's being back in my town that brings these emotions head on again or if it's the end of denial for the freshman fifteen. whatever it is, it's killing me. literally. i feel the lard pulsing through my body and i want to cut it out. cut myself open so i can release this tension. my whole family is so excited to see me and all i can do is take a bottle of wine, run up to my room, and try to stop these vile thoughts.

this blog is raw and gruesome and a completely uncalled for emo moment. but honestly, eating disorders are real and they're out there. and something needs to be done. i truly believe the media has more to do with this than anything. fucking ashlee simpson, lindsay lohan, nicole richie. YOU'RE ROLE MODELS TO YOUNG, IMPRESSIONABLE GIRLS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

all this talk of getting old

i spent the past weekend at my grandparents which was rather refreshing. and i talked to my teachers about my absences, i was very genuine with my psychology teacher, and i realized that gets you far in life. to be genuine. i am becoming more of that. or at least i hope. chris drew was very comforting, as always, but i was unable to fully engage in a heart to heart with him because i had just recieved the best voicemail i've ever gotten from my mother/one of my friends looked suicidal, so i gave her a little tap. it didn't do much for her it only made me appear like a rude person to chris drew. my apologies. i'm learning about following your heart, listening to your intution sort of thing. which is very weird for me as a capricorn. capricorns are suppossed to be miserable, power hungry, control freakish, unable to have relationships, totally focused on success, people kind of people. i don't live by that stuff, but i do read into from time to time. i realized i'm a much happier person and have a lot more to give when im truthful(i.e. not being a capricorn). i've been playing this role of uber, sarcastic bitch my whole life when i realized i don't have to fool anyone.

im in love with the unattainable man. and i stay strong/realistic about this situation which mostly lies in my head, but sometimes i can't help it. and breakdown. because i feel like i can't breathe when i think about him/listen to certain musical artists. i did too much with him too fast because i was drunk and at an extremely insecure place in my life. he left the next day to go back to ____. and it would have been pretty sweet if we could've spent some time together. we had a chemistry, which i never have with people unless i've known them for awhile. i can click with people, SOMETIMES. but chemisty/ click action was like, just summer lovin. i guess it was just summer lovin that had me a blast.

well, au revoir.

ahhhhhhh

i've been seriously thinking about transferring since i got to this school, but depression, anxiety, and a.d.d crept in like a dirty mofo. recently i started crying everyday. that is how i know it is legit i can't stay here any longer. i rarely cry because i don't like to be vulnerable and i'm basically just a badass chick. so that is how i know this is legit.

now i've had these knots in my stomach from not going class, not talking to anyone about it, and basically not doing anything to change the situaiton. whenever something really bad happens, i dig myself a hole. i need to learn not to dig a hole. i don't know if i can transfer because my grades are so FUCKING terrible, but i know i can't stay here. this is a dilemma, wouldn't you say?

my mother is refusing to let me live with them if i take a semester off or go to a community college in Boston. so obviously being homeless in -37849327438 degrees is not that attractive of an idea. i've asked multiple friends, family, and even strangers what i should do about my situation. i've gotten the same response over and over, "just stick it out a year...if you take a semester off you won't go back...you're not livinvg with me...etc." but i read something that really made a whole lot of fucking sense to me

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than having an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

i don't know who the quote is from or even remember where i read it. all i know is it makes sense. and what it's saying is exactly what i've been waiting to hear.

that quote was rather refreshing and i hope someone enjoys it, or makes use of it the way i have.
good day.

p.s
i'm still scared/miserable

I can't even begin to talk about how many classes I've missed. It makes me sick.